The emotional process, weeks 3-12

In a nutshell (oh what a delightfully awful pun! Acorn, you're in trouble if you're not a word nerd!), my emotions over this first trimester have been intentionally controlled. As I mentioned in an earlier post, many dear friends have had miscarriages, and the first trimester is the highest risk for that to happen. So when we found out, the emotional clamp came out. I refused to be super excited, or super stressed, or super planny, or super you-name-it-I-was-not. I was not going to get attached to this pregnancy until the pregnancy attached to me.
That doesn't mean that the emotions don't sneak out from time to time; the hormones take away a lot of my say in that. While driving with a car full of family over Christmas, I played a song for them off of my ipod that I liked, and stunned myself by very nearly crying over it (Fireflies, by Owl City, in case you're curious). A few weeks ago, after a very early, very long day at my internship, S. teased me when he got home about lying like a lump on the couch, and I told him in very short and direct terms with absolutely no mischief in my voice just exactly where he could stick it. (Oops. I apologized later, after he acknowledged the insensitivity of the joke and I acknowledged the abrupt swell of my irritation.) Mostly though, it's Cool Hand Luke all day every day.
We have our 12 week appointment on Wednesday, and if they say it's okay to breathe, then I am intentionally unclamping. I'm ready to be excited, a little stressed, a lot more planny. I'm ready for the bump, the first kick, even the heartburn and the back aches, the list of names, deciding whether or not to learn the gender, picking the birthing method, and so on. I'm ready to swallow this experience whole (along with whatever food may be in the vicinity) and to have full emotions to go along with the ever fuller figure. I'm ready!

A note about updates

Last night I was asked why I was not updating daily.
Daily updates? Is anyone that interested?? (Okay, I know the person who asked is!)
While the point of this blog is to keep everyone updated, I do try -- try -- to keep it remotely interesting. So if time passes without comment, it's only because nothing new or significant has come up.
As a graduate student, I might also be up to my eyeballs in school work, though more than likely I'll be more inspired to write on this blog when I have work I don't feel like doing. :)
And lastly...S. may also end up writing some updates on here as well. While obviously it is the natural order of things, it bothers me that pregnancy is so much about mothers and the fathers get little forum for discussion (let's not even launch into non-traditional couples -- other mothers or dual fathers probably have even more to say on the topic!). It bothers me that it's only my name on the account at the OB's office; as a committed couple who have both attended all the appointments, shouldn't it say both of our names? It bothers me that the "father chapter" in The Book basically boils down to "support your woman in every possible way, have the patience of a saint, and make sure to do all the cleaning." Really? Nothing about the emotional process of becoming a dad? Nothing about how to handle helplessness or fear besides holding your woman's hair while she vomits and being tough for her sake?
So this will be an equal opportunity blog, written by the parents of acorn whensoever S. chooses to do so.

News to me

I finally stumbled across something I had not already read in The Book or heard about by word of mouth: sinusitis. According to the RN we had a consultation with a week ago, pregnant women are prone to sinusitis. I had been noticing a runny nose during the day and a stuffed nose at night (I was mouth-breathing so fully my tongue was dessicated every morning) and hearing that it was not just Colorado's ridiculously dry climate was a relief. However, Colorado's dry climate is not helping!
Over the weekend we visited some friends in Seattle and I could not get over how much better I felt -- less thirst, better sleep, some added energy. It made me aware that while pregnancy thirst is common and noticeable, Colorado Pregnancy Thirst is a beast of its own. So on Wednesday I bought the recommended warm mist humidifier and my nights have gotten distinctly more pleasant. I still have to work at drinking as much water as I can stand (I'm a big fan of lemonade these days and am trying out crystal lite to help throw in a little variety) but at least I can keep my mouth closed when I sleep!

First Glimpse

On Tuesday, January 12th, we got to meet Acorn for the first time:

In the second photo I added labels, but you'll need to click the photo to see them:
Acorn is facing upward in the picture, and (s)he's in profile.
So the head is on the left with the face pointing upward, and the little flipper feet are on the right.
The biggest thing for us was seeing the heartbeat. Go baby go!

A note about miscarriages

Four people close to me (and several more who were not, but whom I found out about) have had miscarriages in the last year. Put another way, in the last year I have known more women who have had miscarriages than successful pregnancies. The old statistic was that 20% of women will have miscarriages; now they're surmising that it's more like 40%. Had we not been to the doctor this week who told us our chances were at 3-5% now that we've seen a heartbeat, I probably would not even be writing this blog.
I have two to three more weeks to go before our chances drop down to less than 1%, and I just want to acknowledge that this blog is not intended to tempt fate. Let's call it an act of optimism and hope and leave it at that. And if you happen to be reading this blog and have had a miscarriage, please know how truly sorry I am for your loss.

Why Acorn?

I'd been referring to it as my alien overlord, but that was simply too long to say every time. So we were trying to come up with names. Acorn just came to me one night as I was falling asleep. I murmured it to S., and he murmured back his assent. There you have it.

Food up my nose: Aversions and Cravings

Sadly, this will be a boring post. Acorn has not proven to be a picky eater, nor I a nosy smeller. Aversions: Very general so far. I can't eat rich food (see also: the onset of queasiness brought on by Christmas Eve dinner). I don't like complex-savory things, like chili, to eat or to smell. (Given to whom I am married, I'm lucky that the smell aversion to complex-savory stuff is not too strong, otherwise I'd have to get my own apartment.) I find that really sugary things make me feel hot and bothered -- probably a blood sugar thing -- so I haven't had too many sweets. Gummy bears or angel food cake are about my tolerance limit for sweets right now.
Cravings: first let me say that I have always, always been a highly suggestible person. If I am hungry and I see a ritz cracker commercial, then I want ritz crackers. I smell the scent of burgers as I drive home, I want burgers. And so on. So the random cravings I've had -- hot dogs, lo mein, taco salad -- have mostly been based on something I saw on tv, or smelled a hint of, at some point during the day. I have noticed, however, that when I eat something fresh and good for me -- apples, carrots, salad -- my body sends off endorphin fireworks that make me feel like the healthiest, smartest person on the planet. Apples -- specifically crisp Pink Ladies -- make me feel downright euphoric. My body has made a point of ensuring that I am hormonally rewarded for eating well; it's the easiest time I've ever had of doing so. Interestingly, however, I don't crave apples or the other good foods, I just know how I'll feel after I eat them.
Weirdest moments: Only two so far. One day at the office a large box of crayons started to smell like a scented candle store. It was like having 6 or 7 of them stuffed up my nose (lest you ask, no, I did not have 6 or 7 of them stuffed up my nose at the time). I've been in the same office since with no problem. Apparently that day my olfactory mojo was cranked up. The second: one night I was nibbling on plain American Cheese while in the process of making myself a grilled cheese sandwich. The cheese, for no discernible reason, tasted floral to me. As though someone had said, hmmm, let's add some lavender and rose oils to these three slices, and see if it takes America by storm! It wasn't gross, but I wouldn't be buying stock in floral cheese any time soon.

Weeks 3-9: Signs and Symptoms

If you're wondering why I skipped weeks one and two, re-read the last part of the previous post. I wasn't technically pregnant during weeks one and two, they just count them for the fun of it; they're freebies.
Because I had the flu super-imposed over the pregnancy for the first couple of weeks of actually being pregnant, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary. Any fatigue I felt I attributed to the illness. Any bloating or light cramping I felt I attributed to regular womanly issues. I was drinking so much water to stay hydrated that I would have been surprised had I not been using the bathroom more frequently. My candle was burning at both ends, and I had no idea.
After I got that big fat positive, I started to see that the fatigue, bloating, slight cramping, and bathroom frequency were not going to disappear. I was actually reassured by the cramping -- it wasn't painful, it was just a constant reminder that 'stuff' was happening. Stuff!!
S. and I read up on what to expect in The Book, and I saw that in just a few weeks time, I could anticipate good ol' morning sickness. Mo' Sick was my biggest fear about pregnancy -- seriously. I can take soreness, aching, itching, sharp pain, you name it, but slap on a little nausea and I am Miserable. I'd had one close friend who'd recently had an absolutely horrible time of it, vomiting so much she had to have an IV and lost 10 pounds.
And of course, the expected onset of mo'sick at 6 weeks was the very day we were going to be flying to NYC for Christmas vacation with my family in CT.
Fortunately, mo'sick did not start then. I had rice cakes ready to go. We'd read in the book that small, frequent snacks were better to have than big meals, and that having something bland to eat by your bedside would help with the early morning ravages. We were ready.
What finally kicked it in was two very rich, very intense dinners in a row -- I have my mom's husband to thank for that. By night two -- Christmas Eve, naturally -- I had foghorns going off in my belly. Warning! Rocks ahead! Rocks that weigh 1,000 lbs, camping out in your belly! Yoohoo! For the first time in my life, I didn't go to Christmas Eve service with my step-father; I ate some ginger chews, crawled into bed, and slept. I made it through with minimal suffering.
The next morning brought a sensation most of you are probably familiar with: my metabolism woke up before I did, and I was so hungry I was downright queasy. Since I was familiar with the feeling, I went downstairs and ate something, and it was easily relieved.
Only, then it came back an hour later. So I ate something, and it left. Then it came back again.
And that's how it's been for me, and let me tell you, I have been unbelievably lucky. I eat a little bit of food all day long and I'm good. Only twice have I had a fluttery-nauseous feeling, and both times I ate something or drank water and it went away. Usually it's just the high-acid quease which I can manage. I have been super vigilant about getting a lot of sleep too, which helps.
Sitting here typing at nearly 10 weeks I will say though, with full gratitude for the easy hand I've been dealt, that I am looking forward to 12-13 weeks when this feeling should subside. Manageable though it is, the high-acid quease keeps me on edge.
The only other major symptom? Thirst. Oh, the thirst. Living in Colorado's high and dry atmosphere does not help. I drink and drink and drink, until I am sick of water, and then I drink some more. I remember days when I drank caffeine in the morning and alcohol at night and I was thirsty, but that made sense. And still, the thirst was not like this!

Euphimisms abound!

Let's catch everyone up to the present, shall we?
2009: S. and I talk about when we're ready to start 'trying.' We also try not to repeatedly stutter about how old we're starting to feel, and how old we're going to be as parents, and oh, the aging!
September 2009: 'Trying' leads to 'doing.'
October 2009: 'Doing' turns out to be just 'trying.'
November 2009: 'Trying' again leads to 'doing' which turns into 'achieving,' unbeknownst to us.
At this point, I leave for a few days in Williamsburg for Thanksgiving, pretty sure that nothing's been 'achieved.' On the flight back I catch a nasty bug -- the flu or just some upper respiratory disaster.
I spend the next full week with a fever of 101 and a steadily worsening cough, and two doctors visits later, a prescription for azithromycin and cough syrup with hydrocodone. During the second doctor's visit I have the presence of mind to warn them that I might be pregnant, so we do a urine and a blood test with negative results.
December 2009: I go back to my internship the next week, still coughing (that cough would last for almost a month) and easily fatigued but determined to get in my hours. I spend the week in a well-intentioned haze of hydrocodone and social work. During the week, I notice that 'something' is missing, but think the flu and the work might just be making me late. When 'something' is still missing by the end of the week, I take an at home pregnancy test. I'm confident that taking this test will confirm the negative results I already got a week ago, and that my mind-body connection will kick in and 'something' will know to show up.
Friday, December 11th, 2009: I blink, and blink again. Which one is the control window? They both have lines in them! Wait...
...I won't lie, my first response was a series of f-bombs, because I had just taken those flu medicines. I run upstairs to my laptop, google them both, and note that they're both relatively cleared for pregnant women. Then I sit quietly in shock. Then I think about how to tell S., who will be home from work shortly. Must...be...clever...
...cleverness fails me. I take the positive test and put it front and center in the fridge. When S. gets home, I tell him I have a surprise for him in the fridge. (BRILLIANT!! No? No.) To my satisfaction, his eyes scan the fridge for a full 60 seconds (looking for Scotch, or cake, or something) and then finally he spots it.
Protestations, salutations, and celebrations ensue.
We learn from the book we use that the full 40 weeks of a pregnancy are counted to include the two weeks before conception (i.e. from the date of the last period) since most people don't know exactly when they conceived. By that measure, I am a little over 4 weeks along.
Monday December 14, 2009: I go back to the health center, and the urine and blood tests both show up positive. The same doctor who was there for the first tests comes in to the patient room wide-eyed and worried, until she realizes that I am, in fact, happy, and that this was intentional. She gives me a referral to a great OBGYN office and I go on my merry way.

Welcome to a creative venture about a creative venture

At close to 10 weeks of pregnancy, I'm feeling just this side of comfortable enough to start blogging about the process. Hope you're feeling just this side of comfortable enough to read about it.