The emotional process, weeks 3-12

In a nutshell (oh what a delightfully awful pun! Acorn, you're in trouble if you're not a word nerd!), my emotions over this first trimester have been intentionally controlled. As I mentioned in an earlier post, many dear friends have had miscarriages, and the first trimester is the highest risk for that to happen. So when we found out, the emotional clamp came out. I refused to be super excited, or super stressed, or super planny, or super you-name-it-I-was-not. I was not going to get attached to this pregnancy until the pregnancy attached to me.
That doesn't mean that the emotions don't sneak out from time to time; the hormones take away a lot of my say in that. While driving with a car full of family over Christmas, I played a song for them off of my ipod that I liked, and stunned myself by very nearly crying over it (Fireflies, by Owl City, in case you're curious). A few weeks ago, after a very early, very long day at my internship, S. teased me when he got home about lying like a lump on the couch, and I told him in very short and direct terms with absolutely no mischief in my voice just exactly where he could stick it. (Oops. I apologized later, after he acknowledged the insensitivity of the joke and I acknowledged the abrupt swell of my irritation.) Mostly though, it's Cool Hand Luke all day every day.
We have our 12 week appointment on Wednesday, and if they say it's okay to breathe, then I am intentionally unclamping. I'm ready to be excited, a little stressed, a lot more planny. I'm ready for the bump, the first kick, even the heartburn and the back aches, the list of names, deciding whether or not to learn the gender, picking the birthing method, and so on. I'm ready to swallow this experience whole (along with whatever food may be in the vicinity) and to have full emotions to go along with the ever fuller figure. I'm ready!

A note about updates

Last night I was asked why I was not updating daily.
Daily updates? Is anyone that interested?? (Okay, I know the person who asked is!)
While the point of this blog is to keep everyone updated, I do try -- try -- to keep it remotely interesting. So if time passes without comment, it's only because nothing new or significant has come up.
As a graduate student, I might also be up to my eyeballs in school work, though more than likely I'll be more inspired to write on this blog when I have work I don't feel like doing. :)
And lastly...S. may also end up writing some updates on here as well. While obviously it is the natural order of things, it bothers me that pregnancy is so much about mothers and the fathers get little forum for discussion (let's not even launch into non-traditional couples -- other mothers or dual fathers probably have even more to say on the topic!). It bothers me that it's only my name on the account at the OB's office; as a committed couple who have both attended all the appointments, shouldn't it say both of our names? It bothers me that the "father chapter" in The Book basically boils down to "support your woman in every possible way, have the patience of a saint, and make sure to do all the cleaning." Really? Nothing about the emotional process of becoming a dad? Nothing about how to handle helplessness or fear besides holding your woman's hair while she vomits and being tough for her sake?
So this will be an equal opportunity blog, written by the parents of acorn whensoever S. chooses to do so.

News to me

I finally stumbled across something I had not already read in The Book or heard about by word of mouth: sinusitis. According to the RN we had a consultation with a week ago, pregnant women are prone to sinusitis. I had been noticing a runny nose during the day and a stuffed nose at night (I was mouth-breathing so fully my tongue was dessicated every morning) and hearing that it was not just Colorado's ridiculously dry climate was a relief. However, Colorado's dry climate is not helping!
Over the weekend we visited some friends in Seattle and I could not get over how much better I felt -- less thirst, better sleep, some added energy. It made me aware that while pregnancy thirst is common and noticeable, Colorado Pregnancy Thirst is a beast of its own. So on Wednesday I bought the recommended warm mist humidifier and my nights have gotten distinctly more pleasant. I still have to work at drinking as much water as I can stand (I'm a big fan of lemonade these days and am trying out crystal lite to help throw in a little variety) but at least I can keep my mouth closed when I sleep!

First Glimpse

On Tuesday, January 12th, we got to meet Acorn for the first time:

In the second photo I added labels, but you'll need to click the photo to see them:
Acorn is facing upward in the picture, and (s)he's in profile.
So the head is on the left with the face pointing upward, and the little flipper feet are on the right.
The biggest thing for us was seeing the heartbeat. Go baby go!

A note about miscarriages

Four people close to me (and several more who were not, but whom I found out about) have had miscarriages in the last year. Put another way, in the last year I have known more women who have had miscarriages than successful pregnancies. The old statistic was that 20% of women will have miscarriages; now they're surmising that it's more like 40%. Had we not been to the doctor this week who told us our chances were at 3-5% now that we've seen a heartbeat, I probably would not even be writing this blog.
I have two to three more weeks to go before our chances drop down to less than 1%, and I just want to acknowledge that this blog is not intended to tempt fate. Let's call it an act of optimism and hope and leave it at that. And if you happen to be reading this blog and have had a miscarriage, please know how truly sorry I am for your loss.

Why Acorn?

I'd been referring to it as my alien overlord, but that was simply too long to say every time. So we were trying to come up with names. Acorn just came to me one night as I was falling asleep. I murmured it to S., and he murmured back his assent. There you have it.

Food up my nose: Aversions and Cravings

Sadly, this will be a boring post. Acorn has not proven to be a picky eater, nor I a nosy smeller. Aversions: Very general so far. I can't eat rich food (see also: the onset of queasiness brought on by Christmas Eve dinner). I don't like complex-savory things, like chili, to eat or to smell. (Given to whom I am married, I'm lucky that the smell aversion to complex-savory stuff is not too strong, otherwise I'd have to get my own apartment.) I find that really sugary things make me feel hot and bothered -- probably a blood sugar thing -- so I haven't had too many sweets. Gummy bears or angel food cake are about my tolerance limit for sweets right now.
Cravings: first let me say that I have always, always been a highly suggestible person. If I am hungry and I see a ritz cracker commercial, then I want ritz crackers. I smell the scent of burgers as I drive home, I want burgers. And so on. So the random cravings I've had -- hot dogs, lo mein, taco salad -- have mostly been based on something I saw on tv, or smelled a hint of, at some point during the day. I have noticed, however, that when I eat something fresh and good for me -- apples, carrots, salad -- my body sends off endorphin fireworks that make me feel like the healthiest, smartest person on the planet. Apples -- specifically crisp Pink Ladies -- make me feel downright euphoric. My body has made a point of ensuring that I am hormonally rewarded for eating well; it's the easiest time I've ever had of doing so. Interestingly, however, I don't crave apples or the other good foods, I just know how I'll feel after I eat them.
Weirdest moments: Only two so far. One day at the office a large box of crayons started to smell like a scented candle store. It was like having 6 or 7 of them stuffed up my nose (lest you ask, no, I did not have 6 or 7 of them stuffed up my nose at the time). I've been in the same office since with no problem. Apparently that day my olfactory mojo was cranked up. The second: one night I was nibbling on plain American Cheese while in the process of making myself a grilled cheese sandwich. The cheese, for no discernible reason, tasted floral to me. As though someone had said, hmmm, let's add some lavender and rose oils to these three slices, and see if it takes America by storm! It wasn't gross, but I wouldn't be buying stock in floral cheese any time soon.